It wasn't ok, not yet, but it would be
by iamthedaisyqueen
Summary: Johnlock one shot :) All the things they never got to say to each other. Only my third fic, so be nice :P Please read and review!


_John is writing in his diary, and of course Sherlock is reading it. So Sherlock knows what John has said, but John doesn't know Sherlocks replies. Enjoy!_

The bits in normal text are John. **The bits in bold are Sherlock.**

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Everything was Sherlock and Sherlock was everything and he's gone. He was the only thing that made life worth living, and he's left me with a gaping hole where my heart used to be, and everything that was good and true and right with the world fell with him and it's all so cold and dark and empty and I miss him so much sometimes I can barely breathe and it hurts right here in my chest, a pain where there should be no pain, but oh god it hurts, and it's all inside my head but it's so real and I'm so afraid and there's nothing to stop my demons from taking over because he's gone.

**Be strong, my John, be strong. God help you but you're a fighter, so keep fighting. You're not eating or sleeping and you're using your cane and it's my fault, it's all my fault, and it's breaking my heart. I never really believed I could feel things like this before, but in that moment before I fell as I looked at you a wave of emotion rushed over me and I knew that leaving you would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had to leave you John. I'm sorry. I promise one day I'll return, one day when it's safe. Not yet though. But soon. You're my brave soldier, John, just soldier on a little longer.**

Sherlock. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. All I feel from the moment I wake each morning til my eyes slam shut each night is pain. I feel like I don't have a purpose any more. I just want to see you again, but I can't because you're dead. I've seen so much death, Sherlock, I've had so many friends take their last breath in my arms, but no one ever affected me like this. No one ever meant this much to me. We had so little time together, yet I feel like I've known you forever. My life before I met you seems so dull and boring, and so long ago. I can remember each moment I spent with you as if it were yesterday. Every smile, every laugh, every tear. I miss you more with every ragged shaky breath. Do the impossible, Sherlock, I beg you. Come home and fix me. Please.

**You look so pale, so thin. I'm worried about you, John, you need help. You are so caring, yet the person you don't care for is yourself - I'm sure if it were anyone else I'd be appreciating the irony. I need you to look after you, so that when I come home you can look after me. I've pictured it so many times - walking through that door, seeing you standing before me again. I think you'll probably punch me (and god knows I'll deserve it) but then you'll look after me and it'll be ok. I...miss you. Your smile. Your obsession with tea. The way you absentmindedly lick your bottom lip when you think or when you're nervous as if you don't even know you do it. Your undying loyalty to me. Dear god, John, hold on. Just for me. Hold on.**

I caught myself crying today. Sounds strange to say it like that, but it's exactly what happened. I was sitting on my bed, crying, with no ides when I'd started or how long I'd been there or when I would stop. I'm sitting on your sofa now, just thinking about you. I wish you could come back to me. There's a gun lying in my desk drawer, waiting silently, patiently, expectantly for the day it becomes too much. It might be soon. Please just give me one more miracle.

**Don't do it. Don't give in. Don't leave me.  
Please John. I'm coming.**

"Sherlock?" I whispered, hardly believing my eyes as I stared at the figure in the doorway.  
"John," he replied. He looked so different, so scared, so...human.  
I pulled him in close to me - I needed to feel his body against me to know he was real - and I felt him shiver slightly at my touch. And then suddenly his lips were against mine in a kiss of pure unadulterated pleasure at being alive, and they were even softer than I could ever have imagined. And when he pulled away and just held me I knew that it was all going to be ok.

It wasn't ok, not yet, but it would be.

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_Hope you enjoyed that :D Sorry about some of the feels :P_

_Cupcakes and hot chocolate for everyone who reviews! :D_


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